Episode 36/Transcript
Nubbins: (over PA) Don't forget students, sign-ups for after school activities start today in the cafeteria! Because nothing is more important for your college application than after school activities! Well, except for grades. And SAT scores. You know what, being Native American doesn't hurt either. Mackenzie: Um, Trisha, do you realize you misspelled "Cheer Squad"? Trisha: Really? (sighs) I knew that Q didn't look right. Brittnay: And since when are you in charge of making banners? Trisha: Well, after Jenna Dapananian quit the squad, I had to take over her responsibility. I'm now also in charge of the door as well as the snacks. Also, I have forgotten the snacks. Brittnay: Goddammit! We have got to get some more members on this squad. Trisha: Well, um, actually, I think if we all just sort of shared the responsibilities, we'd all just be able to get a— Mackenzie: Trisha, my responsibility is to manage the cheer squad. Brittnay's responsibility is to co-head-vice-captain the cheer squad. Now, who is the cheer squad? Trisha: Uh, well, right now, just me. Brittnay: Yeah, and look how much is fucked up with just that! Mackenzie: The banner is misspelled! Brittnay: There are no snacks whatsoever. Mackenzie: Brittnay and I are having a hard enough time managing you as it is. And you want us to take on more responsibility? Trisha: No, no you're totally, right. Hey, if you need any help managing me, I'm more than happy to pitch in. Brittnay: Thank you for being a fucking team player, Trisha. Mackenzie: Okay, now that that's all settled, we can focus on what we came here to do: rebuild the cheer squad. Today the only thing that we care about is getting people to join us! Jenna Dapananian: Wait, so we don't care if anybody joins us? Jenna Darabond: No, if somebody wants to join, cool. If they don't, even better. Jenna Dapananian: Well if we don't care if anyone joins then why did we start a club? Jenna Darabond: Because, Jenna, how else are people going to know that we're here? Jenna Dapananian: Oh right, right. Wait, but we don't care if people know that we're here. Jenna Darabond: Not at all. Jenna Dapananian: But if we don't care that people know that we're here then we— Jenna Darabond: Jenna! Which would you rather be: Craigslist in 2002 or Ebay in 1997? Jenna Dapananian: Mmm... Ah, I use Amazon Prime, so... yeah. Jenna Darabond: Finally, you're starting to get it. Jenna Dapananian: One last question though, what exactly does The Overland Park High School Student Collective mean? Mackenzie: Overland Park High School Student Collective? What the fuck does that even mean? Brittnay: I'll tell you what it means: two lonely ass Benedict Arnold's sitting all by themselves watching helplessly as we rebuild the Overland Park Cheer Squad with the coolest, most popular members that the Blue Valley School District has ever seen! Cher Guy: Oh, hi, um, I'm here about the Cher Squad! Brittnay: Nobody gives a fuck about fucking Cher! This is a Cheer Squad you asshole! Cher Guy: Jesus, change your sign, you fucking bitch. Brittnay: I'm sorry, what the fuck did you just say? (beats up the Cher Guy) Mackenzie: Okay, who do we know that would be a good fit on the Cheer Squad? Trisha: Oh, uh, Bailey Farhar said she was thinking about trying out. Mackenzie: Eh, we already got a blonde. Trisha: Oohkay, what about Isabel Chambers? Mackenzie: Yeah, that actually might work. Brittnay: Ha! I bet you wish you could turn back time now, huh! Sorry guys, some people are just so fucking rude! What did I miss? Trisha: Oh we were just discussing the merits of Isabel Chambers as a potential member of the new squad. Brittnay: Chewy Chambers? Are you fucking kidding me? I almost killed myself listening to that bitch chewing on Abba-Zabba's everyday in Earth Science last year. You really want to be stuck underneath that in a pyramid for an entire year? I can still smell the taffy breath! Next! Judith: And don't forget, we'll be here all afternoon accepting applications for the Overland Park High School A/V Club! Rachel: It's going really great so far! We zeroing in on our first signature! Judith: So come on down and check out the A/V Club! And a little bit later, we'll have free punch! Rachel: My mom's bringing it! Sure hope it's grape! Judith: We all hope it's grape, Rach! You're listening to Judy & Red in the morning, afternoon edition! We'll be right back! Jenna Darabond: Oh wow, what do you guys have going on over here? Judith: Oh well, we're signing people up for the A/V Club. Are you interested? Jenna Darabond: Oh, no, I'm actually not really one for clubs. Rachel: But don't you have the club right next to us? Jenna Darabond: Oh yeah, well, it's not so much a club as much as it is a collective of like-minded people who just get together to create and well, be. Judith: Oh sure I'm with you. Jenna Darabond: I just had to come over here and tell you, I love your outfits. Rachel: You do? Jenna Darabond: I have to know, where did you get that top? Is there a new vintage store that I don't know about? Rachel: Oh actually, um, my sister gave it to me. She found it in a ditch. Jenna Darabond: Oh my god, that's perfect, I love it so much! So retro! And you, you have to tell me where you got those frames! Judith: Oh, from the optometrist! Jenna Darabond: Don't you lie to me, do you get them shipped from New York? Judith: No, no, no, it's Dr. Gary Jaroche. He's at Discover Vision Centers! Rachel: She has to have them custom-made because her vision is very bad! Jenna Darabond: Oh my God, custom! Of course! I have to know, where do you girls hang out? Rachel: Usually my bedroom. On occasion we've been known to hang out in the family room, when Bridget's not watching Bar Rescue on the DVR. Judith: We also go to Pizza Street, you know, where we got the hook up on all the good salads and meats. I don't eat the bread, you know 'cuz, 'cuz of gluten. Jenna Darabond: Oh my god, I'm totally with you on the gluten-free thing. I mean, the stuff they're putting in our food these days, right? Judith: Oh, right, well, I actually don't eat gluten because it makes me throw up red blood. Jenna Darabond: Oh my god, we would totes love for you guys to come hang out at our booth. Rachel: Wait, really? Jenna Darabond: Yeah, we're just looking for cool people like you who are doing their own thing and don't fit in with the popular crowd. Judith: Well, that's definitely us! Rachel: Someone threw a rock at me today! Judith: It was a teacher! Rachel: You know we'd love to hang out—we just need to finish up our broadcast here. Jenna Darabond: Wait, broadcast? Judith: Yeah, we do an independent radio show. Jenna Darabond: Shut the fuck up. Rachel: Not too many people like it though. Jenna Darabond: You guys make an independent radio show that the general public does not get? Judith: Yeah, well, we mostly just talk about our favorite TV shows that are no longer on the air. Jenna Darabond: Fuck you guys! You are the coolest little sluts I have met in months. Finish up your show. Then come hang out with me and Jenna at the booth. Judith: And we're back! Rachel: Alright! Time to talk about dogs! Mackenzie: Brittnay, I know that you have a problem with pretty much every girl at this school that is not me or Trisha. But you're gonna have to lower your standards if we want to get anybody on this squad. Can you just try to have an open mind about this? Brittnay: Fine, I will give everyone a fair shot. Best behavior from now on. (girls walks up) No, no, no Cargo Shorts! (laughs) You can keep on walking back to your fucking Subaru! We're a cheer squad not a goddamn Dave Matthews Band street team! Mackenzie: Brittnay! I thought you said you were gonna be nice! Brittnay: What! I didn't even mention her stupid chain wallet! I mean Christ, I have like six hemp jokes lined up. This is me at my best! Mackenzie: God, we are so fucked. Than: So, what's all this shit? Jenna Darabond: Oh hey, what's your name? Than: Than. Jenna Darabond: Oh like Jonathan only shorter! Than: Yes, that's exactly what it is! Jenna Darabond: Hi, I'm Jenna. Jenna Darabond. Than: Oh Jenna, like Jennifer only shorter. Jenna Darabond: No, just Jenna. Than: Oh, kay, if you say so. Wait, aren't you a cheerleader? Jenna Darabond: Used to be. Than: Ugh, hate cheerleaders. Ex-girlfriend's a cheerleader. Jenna Darabond: Oh who's your ex? Than: Uh, that one over there, screamin. Jenna Darabond: Oh really? What happened? She break up with you? Than: No! I came out. Jenna Dapananian: Oh you're gay? Than: No, well, I mean, I came out, but I kinda, I went back in. So, ish. I kind of, um, look, I sucked off a guy in Daytona Beach in a bathroom. So, that's there. But there's also a lot of stuff going on inside. Jenna Darabond: Yeah, I feel that. I'm bisexual. Than: Uhhuh, and what's that now? Jenna Darabond: I'm bisexual—I like boys and girls. Jenna Dapananian: W—wh—what now? Than: You, wait, bu—that's a thing? Jenna Darabond: Yeah, I mean, there's great things about men and women. Why should I have to choose? Than: Exactly! I mean with guys, they're, they're strong, they're handsome, they smell good, it feels really nice to be held by one and girls, uh, you know they got good stuff too! Jenna Darabond: You're right. I like you Than. You don't seem to play by other people's rules. Than: I don't play by anyone's rules! Jenna Darabond: Why don't you join our group? Than: Fuck yeah! Hey, there's guys in your group too right? Brittnay: What the fuck do we have to be worried about? Look at this shit, all they're doing is rounding up all the losers and the outcasts in school. Mackenzie: Yeah, I don't know why I was so worried. Why did we ever think that a group of nobodies was gonna do anything to challenge us? Justin: (walks up) Oh hey girls, how's recruiting going? Mackenzie: Justin? Brittnay: Nice... hat. Justin: Ha, thanks. Gotta keep the dome tight, you know? Trisha: Shouldn't you be at football practice right now? Justin: Oh yeah, I just had to make a little juice run for the girls. Brittnay: Juice run? Justin: Yeah, have you tried this stuff? Earth Juice? I'm in the middle of a cleanse and I could not feel better! My bank account sure could though! You know what I'm saying. Alright, good talk guys. (leaves) Mackenzie: Fuck. My ass. With a spoon. Brittnay: I don't know about you guys, but that hat was fucking stupid. It's not even cold out. Mackenzie: Brittnay, are you fucking blind? Justin Michaelson has gone full fucking hipster. Jenna has turned a football player. Okay, do you understand what this means? If she can turn one football player, she can turn all of them. If the football team goes hipster, then the entire school goes right along with them. Blond Guy: (walks up) Um, will you guys be discussing Cher's acting career as well? Mackenzie and Brittnay: It's not a fucking Cher booth! Trisha: You see, Trisha! This is what happens when you don't bring snacks!